Single Heterosexual Woman’s Guide to be an Absolute Dating Nightmare to Men
1. Never show up to a date on time. Be at least 15 minutes late and text when you are supposed to arrive, stating that you will be late. Whatever time they say is the time you might be ready to leave, not the time you are going to actually meet them.
2. If they don’t confirm the day of the date, don’t go, and if they do text when they arrive or whatever, ask, “Who is this?” If they confirm on the day of the date, don’t respond. They will have no idea if it’s confirmed or not. Definitely DO NOT send “looking forward to it!” ick
3. If a man calls you without permission, pick up the phone and say another man’s name. When they tell you it’s “so and so” tell them you don’t know who that is.
4. Arrange a date for each meal on the weekends so you never have to pay for food. This can be super easy with the apps: just swipe on someone you have no interest in. (For me, it’s people who live far away but are happy to drive for one meal, and then I never have to see them again.)
5. Send spicy texts without your face – hell, it doesn’t even have to be your own body – they will never know. Then juxtapose that with a trauma dump. So they see a sexy picture or words and then be like, “I’m so sad though, my goldfish just died!” – they will be utterly confused about how to respond. It went from a jerk-off session to therapy really quickly.
6. Never save phone numbers in your phone; just call them all the same pet names, so no one gets confused. “love,” “buster,” “bb,” “babe,” and if it helps, sometimes I’ll make a note and put down their height and area code: “512- babe 6’2” EASY. Especially when trying to decide on plans, go big or go home – the tallest one on the roster wins.
7. Either respond immediately within seconds like a psycho or take days to respond.
8. If they don’t respond right away – delete the text and move the fuck on. And since you didn’t save their number when they text back, you won’t know or care about who it is.
9. If they ask “wyd” or “up late” or “out tonight?” after 9 PM, do not respond and schedule a text to send at 8 AM the next morning stating that you were sleeping. Who is this?
10. Never respond with “busy.” Use alternatives like productive, fast-paced, and intense. Look up synonyms for busy and use one of those. For example, “How’s your day going?” Productive, yours? They almost never know how to respond. I was doing an intense project last night (by intense project, I mean crocheting, smoking weed, and watching reality TV). If they ask for any details, say “let’s save it for in person” – by the time you meet, they will have forgotten.
11. The apps are for boosting the roster. Not for finding love.
12. Never offer to pay for anything. NEVER. EVER. I leave my wallet at home and bring an ID.
13. If they ask you where you want to go (instead of planning the date themselves) – send them a list of the top five most expensive restaurants in your city and a link to Open Table.
14. DON’T TEXT WHEN YOU GET HOME. Keep them in suspense, maybe you didn’t go home. Maybe you went out with someone else. MAYBE you don’t give a shit and it’s none of their business when you got home.
15. If you do get intimate because we all have needs, do not stay the night. Leave immediately and do not text them again ever. Block the number on your way home. If you pass out leave the second you wake up (hopefully before they do) and sneak out. Block the number on your way home.
16. The Uber Goodbye: If you are on a date and doubt it, maybe it’s just dull. Use this - Excuse yourself from the table and go to the bathroom. Order an Uber in the restroom and fix your makeup. Block the date’s number while you are in the bathroom, waiting for your Uber. When the car arrives, walk out of the bathroom, pass by the table, tell the guy you’re not feeling well and your Uber is here, and walk out before they can even process that they have been stuck alone with the bill. That way, you are gone, and they have no way to come at you after you leave.
17. Never invite a man to your apartment. They can come to your building and drop you off or send a car to meet you downstairs. Not just for safety, but you can’t have these people knowing anything about you. Especially, showing up unannounced where you live. Creeps.
18. Do not share information about your children ever. You cannot meet them, and I don’t want to meet yours either.
19. When you do show up 15 minutes late for your date, order an expensive drink and then go to the bathroom to “freshen up” or whatever waste the time for small talk in the bathroom so at least by the time you return your drink might have arrived or be on the way to help ease the burden of having to sit across from some asshole all night.
20. Either eat like a FAT PIG (starve before you go) or a TINY BIRD (eat before you go) – either scenario is a huge turn off for men, but funny to watch them try and figure it out.
21. Order food or drinks and then don’t touch them at all (like order duplicates) or throw them away on the way out of the bar. In some cases for big assholes, do the accidental spill and I need a new one.
22. Assume they all want sex in exchange for dinner and drinks, and you’re worth more than that. Just use them for the free food and go home with a nice buzz. Again, block the number after the date and save yourself the headache on top of a hangover the next morning.
23. Do not let them pick you up or drive you home for the first 5 dates. After this if you choose to trust them with your address you’ve been warned.
24. Attention bait and switch – this works in two ways:
a. Give them a ton of attention before you meet, fake like you care, and send them good mornings texts and all the sweet things, acting like a sweet girl – if they send you a gross picture, say “look at you handsome” + heart it. Then, in person, be distracted and dry towards them. They will wonder why you were so different before; maybe their appearance or vibe in person that turned you off. (Use this one on the big ALPHA’s with the ego’s – it will have them reeling).
b. Be aloof and unconcerned before meeting, and then turn up the charm on the date so they think you are into them. (Use this one to get them to spend more money, especially on “nice guys”).
25. If you do want to see the man again – do not be available for another week. If he can keep a conversation going for 5-7 days, then you can go on second date. When they do mention a second date or time, never accept the first offer, just say it doesn’t work, so they have to come up with something else instead of their typical “second date” bullshit.
26. If they say a place without asking if that is “good for you” – DO NOT GO. Assuming the place works without asking means they assume they can do other things without permission.
